Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners (part 3 of 3)

191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of Esau would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love thee for ever.

192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.

193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, If Thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord, who should stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thou mayest be feared. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, That the great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures, that rather than He would go without their love, He would pardon their transgressions.

194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; That thou mayest remember and be confounded, and never open thy mouth any more, because of thy shame, when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the Lord God. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.

195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found in my refreshment, a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures, let me think what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no such thing at the end; And the scripture cannot be broken. John x. 35.

196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. Heb. vi. 4–6. For, if we sin wilfully, after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. Heb. x. 26, 27. As Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy, as other people. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.

198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This for many days. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.

199. For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.

200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin; therefore it was but in vain to pray. Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, I will pray. ’Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: Lord, Satan tells me, that neither Thy mercy, nor Christ’s blood, is sufficient to save my soul: Lord, shall I honour Thee most, by believing Thou wilt, and canst? or him, by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst? Lord, I would fain honour Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst.

201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.

202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will He be favourable no more? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? Doth His promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’Tis a question whether He hath or no: it may be He hath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.

203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: He is able. But methought, this word able, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a great word, it seemed to be writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.

204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, That no word of God could help me, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, My grace is sufficient. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.

205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau’s parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; My grace is sufficient: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because for thee was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about Esau, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.

208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: Why, how many scriptures are there against me? There are but three or four; And cannot God miss them, and save me for all them? Sometimes again I would think, Oh! if it were not for these three or four words, now how might I be comforted! And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.

209. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul, and John, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, All our words are truth, one of as much force as another: it is not we that have cut you of, but you have cast away yourself. There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon, but these and such as these; it is impossible, Heb. vi.; there remains no more sacrifice for sin, Heb. x. And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God, than after they had known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21. For the Scriptures cannot be broken. John x. 35.

210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the avenger of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.

212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of Esau, then tormented. Lord, thought I, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of them would get the better of me. So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.

213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about Esau’s birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoiceth against judgment. James ii. 13.

214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8–11. Mark ix. 5–7. John vi. 37. Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.

215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; And him that cometh to Me, I will in no wise cast out. Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, in no wise! As who should say, By no means, for nothing whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, That Christ did not mean me and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not done as I had done. But I would answer him again, Satan, here is in these words no such exception; but him that comes, him, any him: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out. And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, But do you come aright? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.

216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace, yet that of Esau’s selling of his birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go, if He will. Then that scripture gave me hope, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Heb. xiii. 5. ‘O Lord,’ said I, but I have left Thee. Then it answered again, But I will not leave thee. For this I thanked God also.

217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with Joseph’s brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.

218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in Joshua xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then saith Moses, they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands, because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime. Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood: It was not the wilful murderer, but he who unwittingly did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not hate his neighbour before. Wherefore,

219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime. I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.

220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive, though but the least, true spiritual comfort from God though Christ? The which after I had much considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—

221. First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort; For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin. Heb. x. 26, 27. Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: It shall never be forgiven him neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matt. xii. 32. Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark viii.

222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.

223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended, was a falling quite away; that is as I conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4. Secondly, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as to put Christ to an open shame. Thirdly, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance. By all these particulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.

First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.

Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my sin, but not to open shame; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.

Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!

224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the Hebrews, and found that the wilful sin there mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too. Secondly, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, verse 28. Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.

225. And as touching that in the 12th of the Hebrews, about Esau’s selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, First, that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. Secondly, It was a public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly, He continued to slight his birthright: He did eat and drink, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright, yea, twenty years after he was found to despise it still. And Esau said, I have enough, my brother, keep that thou hast unto thyself. Gen. xxxiii. 9.

226. Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance; thus I thought: First, This was not for the birthright, but the blessing: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself; He took away my birthright (that is, formerly); and behold now he hath taken away my blessing. Gen. xxvii. 36. Secondly, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning Esau’s sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing, the eternal inheritance; for so the apostle seems to hint. Lest there be any profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; as if he should say, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they become as Esau, even be rejected afterwards, when they would inherit the blessing.

227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as Esau, Lord, Lord, open to us; but then, as Isaac would not repent, no more will God the Father, but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and they shall be blessed; but as for you, Depart, you are the workers of iniquity. Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25–27.

228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus to understand them, was not against, but according to other scriptures; this still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit, That the scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my soul. And now remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some drops did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire. I thought every voice was, Fire! fire! Every little touch would hurt my tender conscience.

229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is in heaven; and methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God’s right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; so that wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, He wants My righteousness; for that was just before Him. I also saw moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, The same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Heb. xiii. 8.

230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that from that time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me: now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; so when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence; Thy righteousness is in heaven, but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30, Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption; by this word I saw the other sentence true.

231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He is distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our righteousness and sanctification before God. Here therefore I lived, for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes: I was not now (only) for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a whole Christ! as He in whom all these, and all His other virtues, relations, offices and operations met together, and that He sat on the right hand of God in heaven.

232. ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look from myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God that now were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when their gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk at home! In Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all; all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption.

233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me in Eph. v. 30. By this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, His victory also mine. Now could I see myself in heaven and earth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person.

234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should also be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so of His resurrection. Thy dead men shall live, together with My dead body shall they arise, saith He. Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, after two days He will revive us, and the third day He will raise us up, and we shall live in His sight. Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the heavens; according to that to the Ephesians, And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus. Eph. ii. 6.

235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; so that I have cause to say, Praise ye the Lord. Praise God in His sanctuary, praise Him in the firmament of His power; praise Him for His mighty acts: praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Psalm cl. 1, 2.

236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.

237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keep me from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come.

238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy David, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; Then, saith he, shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation.

239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. This I had not done, and therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, Pray that ye enter not into temptation. And truly this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.

240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if Thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife, and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night (and now were her pangs just upon her), then I shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart.

241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.

242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart, even this thought, Let Christ go, if He will: so when I was fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart.

243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord, and His servant Gideon, fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God.

244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God, did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as the continual breaking of my bones.

245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; those that the scriptures favour, they must inherit bliss; but those that they oppose and condemn, must perish for evermore: Oh! this word, For the scriptures cannot be broken, would rend the caul of my heart: and so would that other, Whose sins ye remit, they are remitted; but whose sins ye retain, they are retained. Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger of blood.

246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!

247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force and latitude.

248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its comfort, but now ’twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.

249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: And him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out. John vi. 37. Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.

250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at other times, look principally for comfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!). But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not sink for ever! ’twas that I hunted for.

251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 16. I thought also of Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5–8, etc., were great encouragements unto me.

252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had twice as much as he had before. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.

I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.

253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord’s dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His death, that scripture, Do this in remembrance of Me, Luke xxii. 19, was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was, because I did not with that reverence that became me at first, approach to partake thereof.

254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before: and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body, as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.

255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.

256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at the end of all, Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these tokens of a blessed man?

257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, Live I must not, die I dare not. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, Ye are justified freely by His grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!

258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest, that because thy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold My Son is by me, and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with Him. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.

259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, Not by works of righteousness that we have done, but according to His mercy He hath saved us, etc. 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, Let me die: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw We shall never live indeed, till we be gone to the other world. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, Heirs of God, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: Heirs of God! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of God’s goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel’s carrying Lazarus into Abraham’s bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? 1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.

261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.

262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, I must go to Jesus. At this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus? She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, And to an innumerable company of angels; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount Sion, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22–24.

263. Then with joy I told my wife, O! now I know, I know! But that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of God’s people, that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.

264. The words are these: Ye are come to mount Sion, and unto the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the first-born, which are written in heaven; and to God the Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel. Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.